


accidental baby

by la_dissonance



Series: commentfics and drabbles [6]
Category: Bandom, Empires
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Implied Mpreg, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 16:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/la_dissonance/pseuds/la_dissonance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sean obviously can't <em>really</em> be having a baby, so it becomes a running joke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	accidental baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [romanticalgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/gifts).



> for this trope snippets meme that came from tumblr but which tumblr wouldn't let me do there :|

They joke about it, at first, because the possibility of a baby is so far away form whatever's _actually_ happening that it's laughable. Sean can't be pregnant, because that doesn't happen. Nobody can be pregnant, for that matter, because the only people they've been fucking for the past who-knows-how-long have been each other. 

So when Sean starts throwing up in the morning, _every_ morning, it's easy to laugh and speculate over which one of them forgot protection and knocked him up. "Ha ha, there's probably something in the water here," he protests, but if that's the case, it stays in the water through seventeen different cities for over a month. 

Sean gets weird cravings, and his ankles swell up, and his emotions - which usually operate more like a seesaw than an equilibrium, because some people are just built that way and Sean is one of them - start to act like that giant pirate ship ride at amusement parks, and it's all he can do to hang on for dear life. But it's because of a baby, because there's no bump. 

"Maybe you have Lyme disease," Max says, digging his thumbs into the sole of Sean's foot.

"Doesn't that just make you want to sleep all the time?"

"No, that's Mono. I think Lyme disease just makes you really achey and irritable forever."

"Hmm," Sean says, doubtfully. But neither of them go to webMD to look it up, because that way lies horror. 

-

Tom finds a first-edition copy of What to Expect when You're Expecting at a used bookstore/record store/cafe that they perform at, and he makes a game of predicting what turn Sean's strange affliction will make next. The predictions are strikingly accurate. 

They're in the back room of a different venue when Tom flips a page in What to Expect and says, without lowering the book, "According to this, you should be experiencing a peak in sexual urges within the next week or so. Depending on when you conceived. Are you feeling like, really horny right now?"

Sean sighs. "A, I never 'conceived' anything, and B, I told you to quit using that book on me."

"I'll stop using it when it stops being useful," Tom says. "Anyway, if you _were_ feeling extra horny, I was going to suggest we lock this door and have phone sex with Max while I go down on you."

"Oh," Sean says, blinking. Then, "Wait, where's Max?"

"Driving to Taco Bell to get us dinner, but I'm sure he can pull over."

-

Sean is eight months along, according to the book and Tom's careful calculations, when they start picking out names. 

"We don't even know if it'll be a boy or a girl; we can't pick out names," Sean points out. They've worn him down to the point where he just plays along, now, even though it's probably just Lyme disease. 

"I've always wanted to give my future kid a gender-neutral name, anyway," Max says. "Let them grow up without pressure from society to conform in one way or another, let it mean what _they_ want it to mean. Well, our future kid," he amends. 

Tom nods along sagely. Sean starts crying. "But there's never going to _be_ a baby," he says in between giant hiccuping sobs. "It's not fair, and even - even if we had one, we'd be horrible parents."

"We'd make fantastic parents," Tom says a while later, once they've all ended up cuddled together in a pile in front of the couch and Sean has mostly stopped crying. "We can try it out someday if you want."

-

Sean wakes up one night feeling like he's dying. It has to have been the sushi he ate earlier, there's nothing else it can be. He suffers silently for the longest twenty minutes of his life until Max finds him in the bathroom. 

"Don't tell me you're giving birth to our mysterious ghost baby right now," Max says. Sean just groans. "Okay, but seriously, I should take you to urgent care."

"You're not still drunk from before?"

Max sits down on the edge of the tub. "Fuck. Kind of."

"I'll be fine until morning, I'm not shitting blood or anything," Sean says. "I've just got cramps like a motherfucker. Do you still have that percocet that guy gave you that time?"

Max's face lights up. "I do! But Tom could probably take you to urgent care, he didn't drink, like, hardly at all."

Sean waves him off. "If I still feel like this in the morning, you can both bring me to urgent care."

-

The first thing that hits Sean's awareness as he slowly drifts awake is _damp_. Someone has spilled something in the bed, and it's not him, because he's been asleep all this time and definitely does not sleepwalk. The next thing he notices is _hot_. They're none of them warm sleepers, so they tend to pile on the blankets and it can get kind of toasty by morning, but this goes above and beyond. This is like a tiny blast furnace decided to crawl up onto Sean's chest and camp out there. 

He opens his eyes and immediately curses. It figures that neither Tom nor Max is awake to witness this, and maybe there was something else in that percocet and he's hallucinating, but there certainly appears to be a very small, red, wrinkled human curled up on his chest. He pokes Tom awake and says "Tom - _Tom_ \- do you see this?"

"Hmm?" Tom mumbles, not opening his eyes. Sean lifts up the blanket - the baby makes a fussy noise but doesn't wake up - and pokes Tom again. " _Look_."

"Whoa," Tom says.

On Tom's other side, Max rolls over and gropes for his glasses. "What is it?"

"There's a baby," Sean says, not afraid to say the words now that he's reasonably sure it's not a figment of his imagination. "And I'm pretty sure it peed on me."

"Well, shit," Max says, and Tom glares at him. None of them could say they weren't expecting this, although they really, truly shouldn't have been.

"...Not it on diaper duty," Max says, after a minute where they all lay there in stunned silence.

"That means you have to drive to the pharmacy and get diapers," Tom says. "And formula, and bottles. I'll change the sheets."

"What do I have to do?" Sean asks.

"For now? Keep holding the baby. We'll figure it out from there."


End file.
